Really Puttin' the PUBLIC in Public Library

So, I've worked with the public a lot in my life. Most of my jobs have dealt directly with the public. Well, make that ALL of my jobs. The only job I've had, actually, that didn't put me face to face with the public was when I talked to them on the phone at Pearson. Always, the public. And not necessarily the educated or good-smelling public. Nor the polite public.

Children's Librarian sounds like a pretty low-key, easy job, don't you think? Read to some kids, shelve some books, order some books. Make some fliers, orgainze reading contests, hand out prizes. Book performers, budget and plan for all of summer reading, hand out more prizes. Kick idiot teenagers out of the computer lab for being too loud and rude. Clean profanity off of the windows. Tell old, crusty (and young, crusty) guys that no, they can't watch porn on the library computers and now they also can't come back because we've blocked their account. Bust robberies in the parking lot (no kidding, did this last year.) Answer the phone.

Wait, answer the phone? Oh, yeah, that's right, I'm also the freaking receptionist for the entire library. Because I'm not busy doing anything else upstairs at the library. So I get to answer the phone. A lot. I share this task with one colleague and together we answer the phone all day every day for the entire library. People call asking lots of different things. They want to renew their books. They want to order books and materials through the inter-library loan system. They want to know "what is that one book about dogs by that one guy but I don't know what it's called". They want to ask what the phone number is to the Post Office. They want to know how to file their taxes. They want to know if A Girl Named Lisa is in the computer lab, (and no she's not because we don't take calls for other people, in case you wondered). They want to know if we have an extra book drop to donate to the high school drug-free coalition for their Such and Such Project. (WTH? an EXTRA BOOK DROP?) Real call I took two weeks ago.

As a source of information for the community, I know we can expect some of these calls. But, I have to say that day after day it gets really freaking old. Is this why I got STRAIGHT A's in COLLEGE?? (If you sense bitterness there, you're spot on.) And I think I can speak for my colleague, Derrol, when I say that we both detest the calls that come in as such:
"Mattoon Public Library. This is Laura."
"Uh, you just called me."
"I'm sorry?"
"Someone from there just called me."
"Did you request a book from the library?" (we do call dozens of people every day to say that their materials from other libraries are in and we leave messages...)
"No."
"Well, then I don't know who called you."
"You don't have to be rude about it. Someone from this number called me."
"I'm sorry, but I have no way of knowing who picked up the phone when we weren't looking and used it to call you. But we don't take calls for patrons."

And, yeah, I probably sounded rude. And that hurt a little that she said I was rude, but after answering this particular call at least twice a week for 3 1/2 years, I'm tired of it. We only allow people to make calls for emergencies, but what constitutes an emergency varies from one staff member to the next and I know that people use the phone downstairs without asking sometimes.

So, we get our fair share of Stupid even over the phone, as if enough doesn't walk through the doors every day. Balance Stupid with Needy and you've got yourself a full time phone answerin' gig. These are the callers who call EVERY DAY. That's right, the same people call the library every single day, and we know their voices like we know our loved ones'. One lady, we'll call her "Bonnie", calls several times a day and fills us in on her aches and pains, her woes, her physical therapy, her knew haircolor (caramel) and also tells us she loves us after we've taken her request for audiobooks (she's listened to them all by now) and dvd's (mainly horror movies but lately some documentaries on Ancient Greece and the philosophers, as well). I have a soft spot in my heart for Bonnie because she is a Def Leppard fan. She's only in her 60's but some disabilities have left her unable to live on her own or get out and about. Lord help me if that happens to me and I have to call the library for company. But at least if I do, karma's on my side, cause I've spent hours of accumulated time on calls talking to Bonnie. I'm never sorry to hear her gravelly voice on the line.

Then there are the people whose voices you know the minute you pick up the phone but who you aren't so glad to talk to. The lady who regularly calls on her cell phone from Wal-Mart to request an endless list of paperback crap that she's too cheap to buy even from Wal-Mart. The former hippie who had one bad LSD trip too many who calls to renew his stuff, request books on very random stuff from manicuring nails to how to get an office job, and ruminates about his depression with us. The stinky guy who was stalking Derrol for a while with his computer malfunction issues and always wants a different Star Trek or Henry Fonda movie. The tween who can't find her library books to save her life and who calls for her whole family to renew everything on each of their cards every other week.

And this brings me to the MPL Prize for Most Hated Caller Award: GNC Psycho. It was about 2 years ago now. This guy with an incredibly distinctive voice started calling regularly and asking very, very random questions. "Could you find out who the lieutenant governor of Minnesota is? And what is her phone number?" "Can you get me the mailing address for the Comptroller of the state of OH?" And the best one "Can you get me the phone number for the GNC at the Such and Such mall in Someplace, AZ?"

No kidding. And during one of the first calls that he made to us, I must have been feeling extra jovial because he mentioned something about birthdays and then he asked when mine was and I foolishly said "In February". Well, guess who called back several months later in February? Yeah, and he said "Hello, Laura (and you'd just have to hear me do the voice impression in person to get the creepiness factor, but think The Joker mixed with, um, The Joker, I guess), Happy Birthday this month."

Yeah, so since the library cannot afford to upgrade to caller ID (figure that one out), we had to call the police and have a trace put on our calls but only AFTER he called. We finally figured out that Mr. GNC Psycho was calling from a local nursing home. We called them and they knew who he was immediately and took away his phone priveleges. No more creepy calls.

Creepy visits abound, though. There's one right now as I'm typing this and I've just about had it with this guy. He actually said "I've been coming up here to see you a lot" just a few minutes ago. I was like "uh huh" but this isn't the kind of guy who gets it when you give him the cold shoulder. I've beem giving him the freeze for years and he knows that I'm married and he's still super creepy. The staff unanimously thinks he's creepy, too, so I know it's not just me. He sent the staff flowers for Halloween and then came upstairs to make sure that I knew that they were really for me because I'm his "friend". (Don't tell my husband.) Yeah, that creepy.

I'll save the rest for later. Installment Two just might be about how homeless people now have laptops. Stay tuned.