Why Isn't There More Kahlua in My Coffee?

Wow! That was Michael Phelps Fast.
Summer vacation ends, well, pretty much NOW. School starts tomorrow and we'll all have to be up at the butt crack of dawn to get the children (and their father) out the door and off to school on time.

These are the possible obstacles I see to the new (old) routine going smoothly:

1) Maia's hair/aka rat's nest
2) Maia's inability to choose a breakfast food
3) Maia's shoes
4) Nate's refusal to dress himself or wipe his own tush
5) The Computer
6) The Neighbor's Pool

Ok, so these are the reasons why the above numbers 1-6 will likely be an issue, if not tomorrow, then by next week:

1. Maia's hair is not like my hair. My hair was always as straight as the road home. Her hair is like her paternal grandmother's hair, undulating like the sea and knotty as pine. Unless she wants to get up at 6:30 and get in the shower, we will have to find a way to tame it every day. This typically involves lots of anti-frizz cream and sometimes the straightener. It involves a wide toothed comb and sometimes crocodile tears. I was never good at hair (and any woman can tell you, you're either good at it or you're not). And just when I think Maia's hair is A-OK and cute as can be, she will pull it out of it's ponytail holder or barette concoction and deem it horrible and terrible and no-good-very-bad-hate-it-don't-want-it hair. That is when I walk out of the bathroom, leaving her screaming, and tell her to do her own hair. I'm mean like that.

2. Two years ago, at the beginning of kindergarten I started insisting that Maia choose her breakfast food at night and we would set it out (if possible) before bed. This choice was not to be deviated from in the morning and would save us at least 10 minutes of ridiculous wailing about not being able to decide on breakfast. This worked for a while. Then it stopped working. I'm sure you can see the loophole in the plan. She gets up in the morning and has a solid reason why she can't eat the chosen food then quickly and easily chooses another food and negates all efforts of the night before. Soon, we stop bothering with the nighttime choosing because maybe it will be ok to choose in the morning after all.... riiiiiggghhhhttt. After a week or so, we're right back where we started.

So, now, for 2nd grade, we're not really doing any better than we were two years ago. Last night I went grocery shopping and as I chose waffles, mini-muffin tops, Trix and bagels for our week's breakfasts, I thought to myself "WTH am I setting myself up for?? I should get ONE item--albeit two or three boxes-- and make them all eat it every day this week. Kids in other countries don't have 4 or more choices (cause there's already bread for toast and oatmeal at home!) for breakfast!!" If there is one tear over the freakin' breakfast in the next week, we are goin' on the Outer Mongolia Plan.

3. Maia has a new pair of tennis shoes for school. They are Nike. I am not proud of this. She is supposed to wear them every day so that she doesn't need gym shoes. She has agreed to this. I paid almost $40 for these shoes so that they would be cool enough to wear every day --not Payless like all of her other shoes in other words. And I know that I likely aided in the exploitation of at least 7 Chinese children in the process. Don't think this irony is lost on me. And how much do you wanna bet that one week into school she will have an outfit that "doesn't go" with these tennis shoes? I would bet my next paycheck that we will fight about her wanting to wear flip flops to school within the next 7 days.

4. Nate is starting preschool. He has been going there already for over a year but was in the "three year old room" and, thus, not technically in preschool even though he learned to right his name and all of his letters. Now he is officially moving to the preschool room and must have a folder and backpack and all of that. Something tells me that he will also still be taking his blue blankie with him, which I admit that I haven't tried to break him from because I might just love that blue blankie and all that it stands for as much as he does.

I assume that it is the anxiety over switching rooms next Monday that has him a little antsy about school. Well, maybe "antsy" isn't the right term. He is mainly saying (over and over again) "I Hate School". And then he comes up with a new ailment that he's pretty sure should keep him from having to go to school. The ailment, like today's proclaimed mouth sore, typically makes it impossible for him to change his own clothes. He has also started to scream for Mommy (why is it always me?) from the toilet and say that he can't wipe himself. I realize that a year ago I would have paid good money just to have him potty trained and would have gladly wiped his butt, but the honeymoon is over, my friends, and the kid should be wiping his own arse.

5. We've had the talk. She's knows the rules.

Maia is supposed to be completely ready for school before she gets on the computer. Even if she gets up early. Even if she knows that she will have time to get ready later. Even if it's Mom's late day and we don't have to leave as soon. She is still supposed to have her clothes and shoes on, have eaten her breakfast, have combed and fixed her hair, have brushed her teeth and have her bag and whatever else she needs ready to go by the door BEFORE GETTING ON THE COMPUTER. The latest yahoo buzz about Hannah Montana can wait.

I give it two weeks, maybe a week and a half before we start fighting about it.

6. I don't even know where to begin about the neighbor's pool. But let's start by saying that them having a pool shouldn't be affecting my amount of sleep. And yet all summer it has been forcing me to sleep in Maia's room 1/2 of the time (or more) because they are so freaking loud that it keeps us awake in our room even though we have the windows closed and the air on. Who puts a pool with lights and water jets and a stereo and a fire pit in a yard the size of a Cadillac? Who then proceeds to party until 1AM in said pool with complete disregard for sleeping neighbors?

We are so the boringest people in the neighborhood. But, hey, I often work on Saturday mornings. I should be able to go to sleep by 10 or 11 without a thumping bass or screeching kids or cackling laugher outside my window. I don't live on freaking campus! I pay a mortgage instead of rent so that I can have my privacy, thank you very much.

If they even try to do this after school has started, I will have to break the Amazing Tolerance and Neighborly Friendship Pact that has kept me from saying anything thus far. That will snap the very thin wire that we are treading on right now with the pool situation. One school night pool party will be all it takes because we are all gonna need as much sleep as we can muster at our house starting yesterday.

All of that said, I'm sure it will be a fabulous start to the school year for at least the first 4 days (oh, and soccer season, too, let's not forget that!) And can I just say that at this time of year, when the library gets really quiet... I don't miss teaching at all! :)